For all that I complain about the place where I live, it cools off nicely at night. Most nights I can open the windows and turn off the air conditioner, enjoying the resulting silence and saving a few bucks on electricity.
But I worried about sleeping with the windows open. What if someone broke in?
So I've put a bunch of cookie tins on the floor below the windows, with their lids askew. If anyone comes in they'll make such a racket that I'll wake up. Then I can yell for my non-existent husband, or threaten that I'll come after them with my non-existent gun, or call 911 for real, because thanks to my previous weird job I can dial 911 FAST.
A bunch of cookie tins: The cheapest home security system ever.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
When Nice Guys Go Bad
Reading the comments in Confessions of a Community College Dean the other day, I saw references to an earlier dust-up during which women readers took the Dean to task by arguing that some men present themselves as "Nice Guys" simply as a way to manipulate women. The point seemed to be that Nice Guys are actually Creepy Guys.
I wouldn't go that far. I know a great many truly nice men. But then something happened that reminded me of one way in which a supposedly Nice Guy can overplay his hand, and show his true colors.
I was walking out of my office, heading to lunch, when a guy who wants to date me but who I don't want to date caught me on the way out of the door, and then, uninvited, decided to come along with me.
Shit, I thought, now I can't go watch Days of Our Lives in the TV lounge while I eat my slice of pizza in peace.
So he tagged along to the food court, and sat down for some of what I consider to be awkward small talk but he seemed to consider an appropriate lead-in to asking me when we can start dating. In the course of finding a kind way for me to say, "Um... never.", I commented on how challenging it can be for a person older than 21 to find a social life in the small town where we live. His response was something like "Why would you think nobody would want to date you? You are a very nice woman."
Well, I think there are plenty of men who'd like to date me. They just don't happen to be over 21 and live in this godforsaken town. His assumption that I would consider myself undatable is insulting. His attempt to use what he presumed to be my weakness in order to demonstrate that he is a Nice Guy is abhorrent.
This had happened before. I'd exchanged email with another male friend who has made some pretty strong suggestions that he's interested in more than friendship. In a moment of weakness I wrote about how difficult it's been for me to live here, where I've had a hard time making friends outside of work because I don't have local family, and don't go to church, thus having closed off what seem to be the only two options for building social ties here in the flatlands. "Oh", he wrote, "I wish the rest of the world could see in you what I see in you, and value you as highly as it should. But people make so many judgments based on people's surfaces, when they should look into our hearts. You have such a wonderful heart."
Let's diagram that one:
1. He assumes that the problem is that nobody likes me.
2. And that's because I'm fat.
3. But he's the only one who won't care that I'm fat.
4. Because he's some kind of champ.
I am fat. And plenty of people like me. Most of them like me because of the very qualities that I've developed thanks to my experiences living as a fat woman. My trouble is that I live in an area where people can't seem to hold a conversation with someone they don't already know, no matter what body she lives in.
I thank whatever force there is out there for me to thank that I've got self esteem enough to see past what these guys are doing. Because their tactics are predicated on setting up a false competition between a world that doesn't want me, and them, the Nice Guys who do, the only guys who do. But to accept their logic I'd have to accept that I am somehow repulsive to normal people, which just isn't the case, and which is an abusive idea to try to plant in a person's mind.
So this is, I think, what some women mean when they complain about Nice Guys actually being Creepy Guys. The guy who uses a Nice Guy persona to play on a woman's insecurities for his own benefit is not a nice guy. The guy who goes after a woman because he assumes she has been weakened by others' rejection is not a nice guy. The guy who's having a conversation with me while measuring in his mind the degree to which others must find me repulsive is certainly not a nice guy. He's an insecure, manipulative, and passive aggressive guy. He gives truly nice guys a bad name.
And no matter how hard it is for me to find friends around here, I'm sure as hell not going to date him.
I wouldn't go that far. I know a great many truly nice men. But then something happened that reminded me of one way in which a supposedly Nice Guy can overplay his hand, and show his true colors.
I was walking out of my office, heading to lunch, when a guy who wants to date me but who I don't want to date caught me on the way out of the door, and then, uninvited, decided to come along with me.
Shit, I thought, now I can't go watch Days of Our Lives in the TV lounge while I eat my slice of pizza in peace.
So he tagged along to the food court, and sat down for some of what I consider to be awkward small talk but he seemed to consider an appropriate lead-in to asking me when we can start dating. In the course of finding a kind way for me to say, "Um... never.", I commented on how challenging it can be for a person older than 21 to find a social life in the small town where we live. His response was something like "Why would you think nobody would want to date you? You are a very nice woman."
Well, I think there are plenty of men who'd like to date me. They just don't happen to be over 21 and live in this godforsaken town. His assumption that I would consider myself undatable is insulting. His attempt to use what he presumed to be my weakness in order to demonstrate that he is a Nice Guy is abhorrent.
This had happened before. I'd exchanged email with another male friend who has made some pretty strong suggestions that he's interested in more than friendship. In a moment of weakness I wrote about how difficult it's been for me to live here, where I've had a hard time making friends outside of work because I don't have local family, and don't go to church, thus having closed off what seem to be the only two options for building social ties here in the flatlands. "Oh", he wrote, "I wish the rest of the world could see in you what I see in you, and value you as highly as it should. But people make so many judgments based on people's surfaces, when they should look into our hearts. You have such a wonderful heart."
Let's diagram that one:
1. He assumes that the problem is that nobody likes me.
2. And that's because I'm fat.
3. But he's the only one who won't care that I'm fat.
4. Because he's some kind of champ.
I am fat. And plenty of people like me. Most of them like me because of the very qualities that I've developed thanks to my experiences living as a fat woman. My trouble is that I live in an area where people can't seem to hold a conversation with someone they don't already know, no matter what body she lives in.
I thank whatever force there is out there for me to thank that I've got self esteem enough to see past what these guys are doing. Because their tactics are predicated on setting up a false competition between a world that doesn't want me, and them, the Nice Guys who do, the only guys who do. But to accept their logic I'd have to accept that I am somehow repulsive to normal people, which just isn't the case, and which is an abusive idea to try to plant in a person's mind.
So this is, I think, what some women mean when they complain about Nice Guys actually being Creepy Guys. The guy who uses a Nice Guy persona to play on a woman's insecurities for his own benefit is not a nice guy. The guy who goes after a woman because he assumes she has been weakened by others' rejection is not a nice guy. The guy who's having a conversation with me while measuring in his mind the degree to which others must find me repulsive is certainly not a nice guy. He's an insecure, manipulative, and passive aggressive guy. He gives truly nice guys a bad name.
And no matter how hard it is for me to find friends around here, I'm sure as hell not going to date him.
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